During the webinar "Teaching Children God's Design for Male and Female," Dr. Denny Burk answered a weighty question that Christian parents are increasingly asking.
Candice Watters (webinar host):
What would your counsel be as a pastor to parents whose young adult child—no longer a minor—says, “I’m moving in this direction. I’m going down the transitioning path,” or identifies as homosexual or bisexual, or says they’re going to change their gender? And then adds, “If you won’t support me in this, I’m cutting you off. I’ll have nothing to do with you.”
What do you say to Christian parents in that situation? How should they handle the relationship—especially if their child does follow through and cuts them off?
Denny Burk:
This is how many parents and family members get pressured into major compromise. They value the relationship so deeply that they become willing to do things that betray the truth. If you are ever faced with a choice between maintaining a relationship and being faithful to Scripture and to Jesus, you must choose Jesus.
When Jesus says in Gospel of Luke 14 that a person must “hate” father and mother to be His disciple, He is not commanding literal hatred. He is speaking about relative loves. The question is: What do you love most? Do you love someone so much that you would betray Christ to appease them? Would you affirm what Scripture calls sin in order to preserve peace? If so, you are no longer following Jesus.
Parents must recognize that this ultimatum—“Affirm me or lose me”—is a form of emotional leverage. It pressures them to abandon the truth in order to maintain connection. But affirming something Scripture calls sinful and self-destructive is not loving.
The culture often defines love as unconditional affirmation. But that is not a biblical definition of love. In 1 Corinthians 13, we are told that love “rejoices with the truth” and does not rejoice in wrongdoing. Love sometimes requires saying hard things.
That means parents should weep with their child. They should acknowledge that their son or daughter may be experiencing genuine distress. They should listen carefully and compassionately. But they must still speak the truth.
Especially as a parent—if you do not tell your child the truth, who will?
If faithfulness leads to a rupture in the relationship, even a prolonged one, parents must entrust that pain to the Lord. They cannot control their child’s response. They can only control their own obedience.
Practically, that may mean declining to use pronouns or names that affirm a false identity. It means clearly communicating: “We love you. Our arms are open. Our home is open. But because we love Jesus and because we love you, we must relate to you according to what we believe Scripture teaches.”
If the child chooses distance, parents should understand: they are not the ones walking away. They are remaining faithful. The separation is the child’s decision.
The central counsel is this: Do not allow yourself to be manipulated into betraying Christ—even for the sake of a beloved son or daughter. Love them deeply. Grieve if necessary. Keep the door open. But love them according to the truth, because genuine love is inseparable from truth.
Watch the whole webinar here.
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